Embrace uncertainty. Some of the most beautiful chapters of our lives won’t have a title until much later – Bob Goff
When going through a transition, there is an inherent ebb and flow. Of emotions. Action taken. Fear, joy, stress, excitement, uncertainty. Sometimes all felt in one single minute.
Such is how I am feeling now. I’m leaving San Francisco in less than a month to move back home to San Diego. Although it is a wonderful move, everything now is bittersweet. I want to savor each moment, each feeling, each place, each view of where I am in the city. And for some reason, I mostly want to be doing this on my own.
I’m continually pulling myself back from floating around in the future, which is either filled with excitement and joy over what my life will/could be like in less than 30 days or burdened with fear and the lack of having it all figured out. It’s as though my brain is doing some sexy, high-energy salsa dance between the present and future.
I don’t find myself dwelling too often on the past year and a half in Napa and San Francisco. It seems like yesterday I was in Napa or just moving to SF, but it also seems like eons ago. I was a different person then. Young and unsure. Swayed more easily than I am now. Over this past year I’ve felt heart ache, my temper raging, my soul filled with contentment, my eyes watered with tears, my heart bursting with joy and my senses filled with all things new and undiscovered.
But I’ve learned this past year and a half. I’ve grown. I’ve transformed from a young woman to a woman. An adult doing adult things. There’s a groundedness and assuredness in my spirit that wasn’t there before.
Although I still find myself “looking for the adult in the room” sometimes. Anyone else?
What I’m most proud of transforming this past year is my voice. A voice that I’ve nurtured, developed and grown into. My ability over the past several months to lean into some weird and wonderful, dark and beautiful emotions to discover what is really inside me. What I really want. What fills me with joy, passion and happiness. Not what I think should fill me with joy, passion and happiness. Not what others, despite their good intentions, think should and will fill me with joy, passion and happiness. Those are all very different things.
I’m proud that I’ve learned that my path is my own. I’m in control of my life. I respect and take to heart what people say and the advice they give. And I can ask for help when I need it. But I am far too savvy now (or strong-willed?) to be confined by other’s expectations of what a life should look like. Or the path you take, so to speak.
As Louise Hay says (and this is my version of it): “I love myself enough to go beyond my parents’, family’s, friends’ and society’s limitations.”
I don’t mean to say my parents, friends, family and society have placed outrageous restrictions, limitations and pressure on me about what I should do with my life. Although there are spoken and unspoken expectations I feel, I’ve been blessed with an incredibly supportive, loving family and community.
Regardless, there are more conventional or unconventional paths people can follow. But that’s their story and choice, not yours.
I’ve learned there is no one “right” path. There is a “right” path for everyone and that is the one they decide to take. It is the one that is right for them. What’s right, logical and fulfilling to one person may not be that way for another. And that’s the beauty of life.
I’m proud that I’m following my voice and truth. Despite not knowing all that it is I want to do. Despite not seeing my path clearly. The vision is there. The emotions are there… But the stepping stones to get there are a bit hazy and uncertain.
But rather than giving up on my vision because the path isn’t clearly defined at this moment (will it ever be?), I know by focusing on my what and why and taking positive action in ways that feel aligned and fulfilling to me, the “hows” will become very clear.
I can embrace the belief that I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, or I can say what is full of actual truth: I know exactly what I am doing with my life because I am following what I know to be true to me.
It’s easy to fall into the “I don’t know what I’m doing with life” slump, whether you’re being humorous or serious about it, because that is the simplest answer and emotion to feel. It’s harder to believe for yourself and explain to others, “So this is what I want, how I’m getting there is unknown, but this is what I’m doing now and even though it’s not all clearly defined, I’m happy because I’m following my gut.”
But in whose eyes is that phrase, “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life” even looked upon? Is it your eyes or society’s? Look upon your life with your eyes, not through an external view. That’s not the most positive or productive one.
Looking at your life through the eyes of society or your family is morphed. It breeds limiting beliefs and leaves you feeling stuck between what they want, and what you want and know to be true for you.
In my opinion, if YOU are happy and content with what you’re doing, no matter what it is, keep doing it. It’s your life. If you’re not happy and content, do something. And don’t “do something” based off of what other people want for you or are telling you to do. Do what YOU want to do. It’s your chance to create something that’s aligned with you and your happiness. It’s an opportunity to fly, not fall into an abyss.
Look upon your life through your eyes. Tune in to your own intuitive wisdom. By doing so you’ll be gifted with one of the most precious realizations: you know exactly what you’re doing.